Club Bijou tomorrow. work tonight..

Man, i am so pumped..

I have work tonight.. It seems like I fucking work alll the time. I got to school, work, then some time in there for myself if I am allowed.. Everything I do, i do too much of it.. Everybody fucking complains.. I stay the night too much, you are out to much.. you sleep too much.. you need to be home more.. well sorry that i don't want toi fucking sit and watch television all day like you fat fuckers. Its like I can't make anyone happy ANYWHERE i go. I need to be home more.. or something.. Even when I am here.. I need people to stop coming over.. in 15 months.. when I am 18.. I'm out the door.. and Once I get enough money.. I am going to buy a car.. I need to fucking find a cheap car.. it would be sweet if I could buy one for like a thousand dollars.. mann.. I'd be so glad.. But lately I haven't even bothered to save my money.. I have been smoking more than ever... Feeling like the biggest bitch in the world.. how i used to be..

At work someguy gave me a picture of some guy with a huge as dick coming up over his shoulder.. i laughed... but i was pissed... but i still thought it was funny..

hmm, work in like an hour.

My life couldn't be better right now.. There is just one thing I wish I still had and I guess it makes me crazy.. I know its been like a month now.. I'm still in love.. and I can't change that at the moment. I have this thing.. Where if it is completly over with, I need to know, I need to be told that nothing is anything anymore. Even if its just a frienship that we don't even have. I just need to feel that we both know what is going on, whats allowed and not allowed.

I have been hanging out with people.. and I sort of like someone.. but that doesn't even matter,, I haven't been myself.. Even if someone did like me.. it wouldn't be ME who they like. I have been a COMPLETELY different person... Besides all that my high freaking anxiety and panic attacks for no reason whatsoever.

I asked about going through councling again.. which might help myself from being so unsure.

No one should expect me to be over the person I first loved in a day... It's going to take time.. and for me.. A WHOLE LOT of understanding.. I just feel like a big piece of shit..

Why can't my life be easy?

work tonight, school sucks..

no lover for sweeetest day.. just beer.

ABBACAB, sweet.

the show... sweet.
almost kicking some chicks ass.. the sweetest.

When you are going through a tough time... you'd think that something will make it better..

I am growing out of being a teenager and becoming more of a woman... That is the only thing I have started to change more.

Now.. I saw that I have friends.. but I think my only TRUE friend is Morgan.. sup getting ditched?

I miss him. I miss us. This day was one of the best days of my life.

the only thing i am happy about is my 4.25 gpa.

I am actually pretty ridiculous. I want Terry.. he doesn't want me.

my myspace used to say "Bascially, my life consists of me and Terry. School fits in there too. He is my life and nothing is better than a day with him. I live day by day wishing he could be with me every second. I would not care if it was me and him only on this earth. A lot of people through my life have proved to me that I cannot trust people and that you can never keep a friend. I have had a lot of bad experiences with people and I would do a lot better off if I didn't get myself in the middle of a friendship. ........"


I'm ridiculous... I let myself fall for him to far.

Three things I need One- a life/ friends. Two - a car. Three- to stop being so depressed...

I calmed down because I thought everything would be okay. He isn't happy. I don't know what to do.

He is perfect. The most beautiful person I have ever seen. When he smiled, I couldn't help but do the same.

We have so many great memories. Our first time for everything is stuck in my head. The way I'd run up to him after he got done dancing at shows because I was lovee struck.

I loved hanging out with him and ASNDB in the very beginning. Going to shows and having him by my side. Spending time with other couples.. Tyler/Morgan, Cody/Becca, Maggie/ Blake. I told him how much I don't like Maggie but I did... I accepted her... It is just awkward around her and Blake.

I just wish I would of joined the fun of the music.. Would that change anything?

Was I unconciously getting tired too?

No, I will never get tired of the person I love the most.. and I could never ever decide to leave him. We always talked about a family.. Ilya! I WISH HE'D JUST STOP!

I will do what you want! I WILL STAY BY YOURSIDE! I WILL CHANGE MY BAD HABITS!

WE ARE THE SAME PERSON!

I just wish you realized that.

I don't know what is going on.. these past three days... all i have done is cry eat sleep and go to school..

I think Terry is pissed off at me.. or is breaking up with me.. i havent talked to him in two days... he won't call me..


seeing as i am obsessedd... i am upset..

i just want to talk.. i dont even know what is going on.. i fucking hate myself right now.

Sunday was Terry's birthday... I love him..so much

I havent seen Morgan in forever.  Sometime soon I will see her hopefully.

Clear like a light in the sky
It said, "quit blowing each other up"

The voice seemed so crystally clear
Some things are clean in your ear
When only blood fills your cup

Hello
I'm trying to focus, but my eyes decieve me
Focus
I'm witnessing history repeating

It fell like a tear from my eye
Flying machines so up high
Well, there goes the neighborhood

A scene set to singe innocence
Upheave, unhinge, and pit against
Like every made for TV movie should

Hello
I'm trying to focus, but my eyes decieve me
Focus
I'm witnessing history repeating

Focus, Focus
Focus (I can see now)

We are, we know, we see, we think for you
The who, the what, the when, the where, the why
We build your hill, we build you too, we see you

Hello
I'm trying to focus, but my eyes decieve me
Focus




I'm witnessing history repeating






Oh god, I love livejournal.

  Really, I do.

Lately things haven't been too good.  The other day I went to a SUPRIZE birthday party for my great aunt.  I hung out with a whole bunch of old people andddddd talked to my cousin Lindsey.  We talked for a couple minutes which seemed to be enough seeing as we never really did talk.
Terry and I have been fighting a lot lately but things are going good because we talked..

Hopefully talking will minimize the fights we have.
Hopefully things will be less stressful.
Hopefully we can go back to what we used to have.
   I love him so much.

I'm going to Whitmer to sign up for classes and hopefully can make this my last year of high school.

ughhhhhhhh :]

I am disappointed that a fellow classmate at Start High School was killed by a drunk driver.  These things make me scared to drive.  They make me scared to be out on the streets.  The biggest thing I am afraid of is Terry driving with those idiots.  I love him :[

I will forever remember Sameul Macke, he taught me very interesting things.

I haven't been online in like forever but it is getting lame anyways.  The decision was made, I am going to Whitmer next year, I am living with my grandparents, and I am going to see less of Terry.

Fed Ex sucks for me and really, I have zero friends.  I also have no car, job, or any reason to leave. Morgan isn't here so I can't talk to her.  I don't have a cellphone to call anyone either.  I hope that Whitmer is better than start and the next year and a half I have until I am eighteen is fine.

I miss everyone but everyone is changing.  I always have to change who my friends are... and that sucks.

Tomorrow will hopefully be a better day. :]

Terry, Tyler Monaghan, Morgan, I  are going up to Csmos' cabin today... I hope that I get burnt like a lobster.

I used to be into totally different music.  I listened to my launch radio station from eighth grade.  I have changed so much.  So many different hairstyles and last year I wanted to be so SCENE! eighth grade I was an emo fag...

Now I just want to go to some sweet ass shows and fucking only listen to music that I like.  I am not in it for the style (obvioulsy),.  I really never was until I realized how hot scene chicks were.

I am a faggot. :]

I remember the first show at Vamps.. I was so intimidated by Brittany.  She was wearing red flats?  I don't know.  I never saw her before.. Seeing as I stoped going to shows for awhile.. I don't know.. It's really weird how times change.  Cody used to intimidate me too...  Only because a lot of people that I went to shows with knew Cody (or talked about him).. I'd be like.. YEAH... I never did see Terry at a show until Start Battle of Bands.. I didn't think much of him seeing as he stood next to me and really.. They were there for like ten minutes at the max. It makes me laugh.

Aww. now im friends with these people.  It excites me.

I love you all bitches.

my last day of school is may 26 but i might have to take two exams on june first.

GAY

today im going to full out do my homework. HOW EXCITING!